Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Welp...herpes.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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