I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
