1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
