I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You don't make any sense
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