I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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