did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You dont lie about slip and slides
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
