i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
