Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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