P.S. I can't hear my feet
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
