I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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