Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
