I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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