take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
