i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
