The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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