Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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