grandma shit on top of the toilet
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
