my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
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