hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
