whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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