paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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