Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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