I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
