apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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