A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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