you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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