at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
can u get pink eye on your cock?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
