I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
