angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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