I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
