My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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