I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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