There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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