oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
