just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Randomize
