I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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