Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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