did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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