Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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