My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
