I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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