But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
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