I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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