yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
