I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
