"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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