you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
