So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
