Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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