Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
